As a little kid i always wounder where i belong in socity. I was always told i couldnt speak spanish or english right. Due to it not being the correct or proper way they expect someone to talk in there langauge. For me there was alot of ways i tryed to improve my pronounciation of both languges but none of them really worked. I was never consitered good at ether one. This made me feel like i didnt belong in none of the comunities, but i was always pushed into speaking spanish becuase im Mexican. Because of this english speakers see me as dumb or limmited sometimes. This made me feel invisable when i tried to talk in conversations and it made me feel like i was alone alot and couldnt really express my feelings emotionaly.

I started thinking about when i went to Mexico in september 2024 with my sister for my cousins sweet 16 birthday party. A sweet 16 is a really big party where a girl becomes a women and grows up. I thought this was my chance to finally feel like i belong and feel secure in my culture. But when we was leaving the airport i relized something was wrong. I was so focused on only talking english in my daily life that i forgot to practice my spanish. This caused me to stutter and blank out when i talked to people and i couldnt finish my sentances sometimes.

Me and my sister took a taxi to my aunts house. After we got there we unpacked and fell asleep. When we woke up we heard our family eating breakfast. It felt weird but in a good way because at home its just me my mom my dad and my sister. Being around alot of family felt diffrent and it made me feel like i finally belong and wasnt gonna be treated like a outsider.

Then my aunt asked me “Cómo está tu mamá?” and i said “uhhh muy bien.” After that they asked if i been practicing my spanish because i blanked out. I made a excuse and said i was tired. Later my family kept talking to me and asking me questions. I tried to add a accent so i can sound like im from Mexico but it didnt work at all. The more i talked the more mistakes i made and it made it obvious i wasnt from there.

Soon it was the day of my cousins sweet 16 and my whole family was there. This made me feel alot of pressure to speak perfect spanish so it dont sound broken. I only said phrases i knew i could finish and words i was confortable with so i wouldnt blank out. But this made my conversations short and limited. My family started making fun of my stuttering and how i say words wrong and also the accent i was trying to use.

This made me feel like i was back in New York where no matter what language i speak its never good enough. I couldnt even get mad at anyone but myself because i didnt practice enough and my spanish got rusty. This made people not take me serious. My family even told me not to speak to much spanish in public because people would know im from the U.S and raise prices.

Through out the trip i felt like i didnt belong in my own culture. I felt unwanted embarassed and insecure about my spanish. By the end of the trip my spanish got a little better and i talked more with my family. But i learned that if you cant speak someones main language people ignore you or think your not smart or just dont acknowledge you at all.